Wednesday, 8 March 2017

I feel...tired...

I don´t remember when was the last time I felt rested after I woke up. And it doesn´t matter if I sleep 4 hours or 8 hours. The result is always the same - I wake up feeling tired, beaten, not wanting to even leave the bed or my house.
I have a new camera finally, but I don´t even enjoy it as much as I would love to. To be honest...I feel like I can´t really enjoy anything anymore.
I can´t find the time for everything I would love to and my imagination, motivation and inspiration is having a really, really bad time.
There were times, when I was full of ideas...for photos, for drawings...I even used to write stories, poetry, making some drawings of clothing I would love to wear. I was making up whole worlds for my stories. And I was always blogging, aways had a word to say to the world.

But now...I feel empty, stressed, tired and just exhausted without motivation.
And my work...I used to like it, even when sometimes it was crazy and I used to complain a lot, but I did enjoy it anyways.
But last months I have the feeling that I can´t go like this for much longer. My work is piling up, and what I do one day, the next day it ´s back twice as much. I work at an automotive factory, but what we have lately it´s just...not normal. We never ever used to have problems like this, it´s just too much work and with all the new paperwork they are always adding, it´s even worse.

I would take some free days to rest, but I´m scared, that it will end like last time - I needed to take the remaining free days from last year.  And after three days off work, I had to much work piled on, that I was almost desperate. I still have a lot of work left from that days, and everyday new problems keep piling up.

There is just no end to this.
And it´s not just the weariness I feel that´s ruining my mood. I gained weight, my hair is getting worse, it´s damaged and skin used to be clear even when I was going through puberty, but now it´s just horrible quality and nothing helps.
If I didn´t model, I probably wouldn´t take it as bad. But as someone, who does editing and retouching, I know that it isn´t that much fun to retouch all the pimples and all the wrinkles  I should not have this soon and it´s almost impossible to find a make-up with great coverage with my skin tone, where I live (and the one I found was just giving me more pimples).  And let´s be honest - nobody really wants a model with damaged hair and bad skin.

I´m really thinking about quiting my current  job, but I don´t know where to go next. And of isn´t just like that, when you need to pay rent, eat and just live. My salary it´s just the right amount to live through the month. But now that for next ten months I will pay for the camera, it will be just barely enough.

And I was also thinking about not doing modelling anymore and focus more on the photography part, but I just love standing in front of the camera too much.
Maybe it´s just the long months of bad was a pretty winter for some days, but mostly it was just wet, windy,  with fog and freezing cold. I don´t like too warm weather, but I really wish for a normal spring to come. Maybe going more out in the nature will help me get through this (but now it´s just mud everywhere, with the cold wind blowing like crazy again). I want to start running outside, which I hope will help me boost my energy a little bit (but I don´t dare doing to in this cold...I know my imune system too well, and I would most likely just get sick :D). And of course, I want to start taking photos outside and doing some nature photoshoots, too.
I don´t want anyone to pity me. I just wanted to let it out, like a loud tought, because it also helps me lighten the burden, and think about finding a solution and way ouf and maybe you deserve to know why I´m so often "away" from Facebook and social platforms in general.
But don´t worry...I will fight it, I won´t let it to get me down...